Boom! What just happened I thought as I heard something sounding like an explosion. I got up and went to my window. My car was on fire! It seemed like it was what had exploded. God no it was new I just bought couple of days ago. I put a robe on and headed outside.
As I was going down my stairs a really sketchy dude was waiting by the door. When I came close to him I noticed that he had a gun shoulder strap like cops do. Something was not right I thought. A man with a gun and a burning car. As I passed him he tried to go for his gun, but some sort of instinct of mine beat him to it and I was able punch him in the face couple of times. Deciding not to hang around when he wakes up I decided to walk away from my house.
It was by far the strangest morning I have ever had I mean I was about to get killed. A woman passed me and said, "Your the guy from the news!"
-"Pardon me what do you mean?"
-"Get away from me you terrorist!"
That's when I new something was not right. What had happened that could possibly make me look like a terrorist. Knowing that I was being hunted I began to run as far way as I could from this town!
This is MUCH better! Now you have a story! You're not racing through the plot and summarizing it; you're making it happen before our eyes. You have dialogue and (some) description, and you let the action unfold slowly. Very nice going.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much.
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